---

Currently, I am broke and out of money. I don’t have enough money for food, so I steal it, and I am already two months behind on my rent. If I don’t pay my rent, I'll get thrown out of the mental ward house (for the mentally ill) that I live in.

I love it here. I don’t want to leave. I have become accustomed to living with retards, so its great. I have a nice time here: I eat, watch TV, and sleep.

Sometimes, when I am bored, I beat up the orderlies (all women). Another desperate move. I'm a run-and-hide type guy. I'll be the first to start a fight, but I'll also be the first guy to run away once I find out that the guy really wants to kick my ass.

Anyway, I needed some fast cash quick, so I said to myself, "How about I do another Duchaine interview? They are always popular, and I could score $500 for it, too."

But, I was desperate. As you will see below, my questions are totally off the wall: Abusive, disrespectful, and downright illegal. It seems I always ask the wrong questions. Even Dan Duchaine is "fed up" with me and my desperate antics. He no longer responds to my emails or anything. Looks like I pissed him off with the questions I asked him for this interview. I will probably piss you off, too. So, after everyone reads this, the entire bodybuilding community will want to kick my ass, because its so offending. That’s ok. I don’t sweat you. I own you, boy! Bring your shit on! Ok ok, enough tough-guy talk. In all honesty, you could probably kick my fat ass. I'm 425 lbs. and 5'6". I look like a fat, midgetized version of Nasser El Sonbaty -- without all the muscles. If u want to fight me, send me a letter and issue the challenge. Just don’t expect me to show up, though. I only fight people I can beat up, and that excludes just about all of Earth’s population except women and children. Great. I’m gonna get my ass kicked for writing this article. Its almost not even worth the $500. I am so scared I feel like...pooping my pants, but I see no pontoon boat in sight.

Here is the interview, totally uncut, uncensored and in-your-face. Don’t like that? Fuck you! At least I never drank my own urine like Mike Mentzer did (that’s another story).

Enjoy! But don’t kick my ass.

Duchaine: (phone rings) Hi, this is Dan.

Sandwich: Hi Dan, this is The Sandwich!

Duchaine: Hi Sandwich.

Sandwich: How are you?

Duchaine: I’m fine.

Sandwich: Well, first I’d like to thank you for giving me the interview.

Duchaine: You’re welcome.

Sandwich: I really appreciate that. A lot of the questions are going to be quite controversial, and I hope that you don’t take personal offense to them. The reason I ask them is…

Duchaine: (interrupts) No! I mean, if there is something I can’t answer, simply because it would effect someone else on a personal level, I’ll just let you know.

Sandwich: Ok, great. Let’s start from the beginning. You no longer work for "Buttplug" Bill Phillips. What happened? He seemed to have squandered your "Ask The Guru…" column for the past 8 months or so.

Duchaine: (sighs) Well, originally when I negotiated the contract for Muscle Media, I just kinda picked 30 months. Originally they wanted, like, one year on the contract, but I wanted to have a little more, longer contract, just to have the security. And, so, I knew I wanted at least two years, and I thought maybe 36 months is too long. So, I settled with 30, and when 30 came up, that was the middle of January. So that was it.

Sandwich: Are you glad that you left, or did you wish to stay with Muscle Media?

Duchaine: (pauses) I wasn’t to happy with the magazine, because I didn’t have as much freedom at the end then I had in the beginning. I was pretty spoiled in the beginning. I mean, I could do pretty much anything I wanted, and they hardly edited it all. It was a really sweet gig. I guess if the contract was longer, with a guaranteed "so much" a month, for a few more months or another year, sure! I mean, I don’t have this big compulsion to write all the time and every month. I know it seems terrible to say, but to be able to get a regular paycheck a month - a substantial one - and not have to do a whole bunch of writing isn’t terribly bad in my eyes. Although I think the readers thought I had lost them along the way.

Sandwich: Do you think you’ll be able to gain them back…

Duchaine: Sure!

Sandwich: …with your new columns in Ironman and Pump?

Duchaine: Oh, I have much more fun over there, because I can get my sense of humor back, which it is. I have more freedom. The problem with Muscle Media, toward the end, is they really didn’t want to discuss any kind of nutritional product that they were not selling. Or, if a competitor was selling it, we couldn’t really talk about it, or if it wasn’t on the market yet, they didn’t want to hear about it. So, that kinda restricts the palette of information quite a bit, I think. I know you’re supposed to be professional, and if you have a lot of money, you should be able to do whatever you damn well want. The pay was good, but I’m not the type of professional writer that can churn a lot of copy out, like a Greg Zulak or a Bill Dobbins.

Sandwich: What’s "Buttplug" like in real life? I heard on the ‘Net that he’s a totally arrogant Ecstasy and Xanax-abusing flake. Is it true that he broke down and went into rehab when his company, EAS, hit the bottom?

Duchaine: Don’t know. I wish I could tell you some real juicy facts, but remember: I’m here in San Diego, and they’re in Colorado. Because, in the beginning, Bill was so young, and he had such an outrageous lifestyle of Playboy Bunnies and fast cars and a lot of parties, which was not, socially, my real…(sigh)…I just didn’t like it. I didn’t really socialize with him, so I wasn’t part of his inner circle. I kinda was waiting for him to grow up (laughs), and in a way, he did. I’m adamantly stuck in the hardcore subculture, and he moved on to more mainstream things. I guess that’s kind of growing up, or a more professional or financial…if it actually worked. But, I don’t think his decisions on changing the magazine really paid off the way he thought they would.

So, I can’t really tell you what he was like as a person. He never called me on the phone, and he rarely faxed me. Even the faxes to the people at NEXT Nutrition started to stop, so I cant really tell you what is going on with him.

Sandwich: So I take it you never participated in his now infamous gangbangs of strippers and stuff?

Duchaine: Nothing. No. I have a hard time with the clubs and strippers. I really do love women both as sexual objects and as people…(pauses)…my persona, in print, is much different than me, the person. I have much more respect for people and women in real life, than what appears in print.

Sandwich: Yeah, I know what you mean. Let me give you a scenario: You are on a road trip with Bill Phillips and Joe Weider. Bill and Joe were out one day walking in the woods when they both stepped on a sharp, rusty dildo. Subsequently, they both got lock jaw from it; their mouth is now wide open and they cant close it. Later, you are driving down the highway in the middle of no-where, and you have to take a massive crap, and you can’t crap outside because there is molten lava on the ground. You have no other choice. There are only two places you can crap: Either in Bill Phillips’ mouth, or in Joe Weider’s mouth. Which one would you rather crap in, and why?

Duchaine: Mwahahahahahahah!!! (uproarious laughter) What a terrible, terrible question! Hehehehehehe! That was very funny, but you’re not going to get an answer from me. I really owe them both too damn much to really slam them like that. Joe Weider got me started. I was in that first article I did for Gordon Long’s Muscle Digest. Bill Dobbins took me on board with FLEX magazine, and Joe Weider allowed Mike Zumpano and I to place our ads for The Underground Steroid Handbook in his Muscle Builder/Power. And, of course, Bill Phillips stood by me when I was in prison, when no one else really didn’t want to see me. As much as it looks like we’ve had our differences between those two people, god, they really made me a lot of money and put me where I am today.

Sandwich: Here’s another scenario: You are walking in the woods of Africa with Monica. No one is around you for hundreds of miles. All of the sudden, she has a heart attack and dies right in front of you. Her body will evaporate in 20 minutes. Would you fuck her dead corpse? If so, why?

Duchaine: Hahahahahahahaha!!! (Huge-ass laughter) Ahh…(long pause)…no, I wouldn’t do that (chuckles). But, you know, you might ask the question if she was alive, I might give you the same answer! (laughs)

Sandwich: Have you ever had a black girlfriend? And if so, are they better than white girlfriends?

Duchaine: (Laughter) Sandwich, when I was a young man…how old are you now?

Sandwich: Twenty-one.

Duchaine: Yeah. When I was about your age, maybe a year older, I had two black girlfriends for decent lengths of time.

Sandwich: (Interrupts) At the same time!?

Duchaine: No! Different times. I had no problems with them what so ever. We had some good times. I don’t think this really relates to bodybuilding, but I think you’re confusing racial characteristics and cultural characteristics. I think maybe people object to certain aspects of black culture, but racially, I don’t think that’s the objection. I don’t think they care about the color of the skin, as much as their culture. It’s a more "in your face" culture. It’s a little disconcerting if you’re used to other cultures, which are more laid-back.

Sandwich: Okay. For one million dollars in cash, a Lamborghini Diablo, a case of Xanax and Ecstasy, and a pair of purple, EAS workout-shorts, would you have gay sex with Bill Phillips?

Duchaine: (chuckles) Oh…million dollars? Sure!

Sandwich: For real!?

Duchaine: Sure!

Sandwich: Really?!

Duchaine: Sure!

Sandwich: Hohohohohahahaha!

Duchaine: That’s a lot of money! You’d do it too! (laughs)

Sandwich: I was in a chat room the other day and someone told me that a certain bodybuilder in this sport got prostate cancer from being fucked in the ass by Dorian Yates. Have you heard this, and do you think it might be true?

Duchaine: (In a serious tone) I think that’s a lame joke. And as much as many people have a beef against (name deleted out of fear - lets call him "scumbag") - and I don’t have a beef, because I’m not into competitive bodybuilding - God forbid you are I have the same malady. It’s not uncommon and he’s a very young man to have that, you know? As much as he may be doing things that doesn’t make people happy, it certainly doesn’t warrant that kind of severe punishment.

Sandwich: (Sheepishly) Okay, I understand. Switching gears, PGF2a. As you know, this is the drug that is reported to cause muscle hypertrophy (growth) simply by injecting it and then lying around, waiting for your muscles to grow. Kind of like a "natural" Synthol. What do you think of this drug? It’s a real hot topic on the ‘Net right now.

Duchaine: I happen to know…what’s his name, the one he put the article under? I know his real name and where he lives…

Sandwich: Dharkam?

Duchaine: Yeah, Dharkam. That’s not his real name, but he’s a really smart guy. He’s one of the two or three people that I really trust. Now, he is probably the only one, outside of myself, that gets really creative with the research. It seems that everybody else is timid with the research, and you have to have a little bit of recklessness to be able to push the state-of-the-art of bodybuilding forward. I guess I’m one of them. I guess I might have thought that Chris Clark is, although I don’t him that well, and Dharkam. If Dharkam says it works, it probably does work. I know there is no research on it, but he’s probably right. I have known this man for at least three or four years. He’s always been thought provoking, and many times, when people disrespect him and say he’s full of shit, he always pulls a reference to validate whatever he said. So, yeah, I think PGF2a will work.

Sandwich: Do you know of any bodybuilders that have tried this drug yet?

Duchaine: You know, as a matter of fact, its odd, because I sent all that information to one of my underground network people that could get stuff like that, and he’s having a hard time finding it to even try it out! Give us a month or two…I guess it is something I would be stupid enough to do myself. It is my job to be reckless, and I guess I would try it.

Sandwich: Really? Wow that’s a big risk.

Duchaine: Yeah.

Sandwich: I asked you this question in our last interview, but it never made it to print, so I’ll ask it again: Who is your favorite fitness bimbo and would you fuck her? Mine is Monica, by the way. (laughs)

Duchaine: (pauses and thinks) God…oh, well I can’t really tell how. What? Me reveal all of my secrets? (laughs) Berez? The girl from Central Europe? She’s a MET-Rx girl. She won two, three years ago with the little ribbon thing. She’s into rhythm gymnastics, and ever since then, she hasn’t shown up in the best of shape, and they always shoot her down. Um, I’d have to look her name up. I’m bad with these European names, but yeah, she’d be the one I’d chose.

Sandwich: Speaking of Monica, did you hear the rumor about her fucking Craig Titus and Frank Sepe?

Duchaine: Nope. You can ask that to other people and they’ll say yes and no! Hehehehehehehehaaaahh! (huge laugh).

Sandwich: You’ve worked with many women over the years, and I was wondering which fitness bimbos or female bodybuilders that you’ve fucked.

Duchaine: I made a point…yeah, I can talk about that, because a lot of people assume that because I work with so many female bodybuilders that I have some kind of sexual life with them. I would say that just about all of them I didn’t [fuck them], because I thought that would hurt my reputation. I mean, my reputation was bad enough. All these men were saying, "Oh, you’re gonna ruin all these women!" You know, this and that. So, I didn’t want to…that isn’t to say that some of these women never became my girlfriends, and moved in with me, but I guess the major ones, the ones people would know, I was always a professional kind of thing. And I must tell you, it wasn’t even professional, because professional implies that, you know, I’d charge them money for it. I admired many of them, and many were just good friends, so out of friendship…I know it seems like a lame thing to say, but yeah, I always separated that.

Sandwich: Is it true they have vaginas the size of vacuum hoses? From the androgen abuse?

Duchaine: (long pause) No, that is not true. Why would a steroid make a vagina bigger?

Sandwich: I was referring to the size of their clitoris.

Duchaine: Oh, well…(sigh)…I think your idea of a scale and my idea of a scale are two different things. Yes, clitoral growth with female bodybuilders and steroids is more than most sedentary, non-athletic women with no androgens in them. Yes, that is true. Is that bad? Not necessarily, because many women do have difficulty enjoying sex; difficulty achieving orgasm and female bodybuilders usually would not have that problem.

Sandwich: Is it true that the popular fitness bimbo, Amy, is a high-priced prostitute, charging $2000 a day? I also heard she fucked Jean Claude Van Damne, Arsenio Hall, and Antonio Sabato, Jr…and Bill Phillips, too! I’d still do her anyway…is she trying to fuck her way into Hollywood? Are these rumors true?

Duchaine: I don’t…(sigh)…well, there was a rumor, that’s why she got kicked out of EAS because of some shenanigans between Bill, his girlfriend at the time, and Amy. But that’s a rumor. I don’t live there. There was a rumor that Amy was Arsenio Hall’s girlfriend. The other stuff I couldn’t really comment on. See, I’m out here in San Diego. All that kind of gossip-stuff is really out of Venice and Gold’s Gym.

Now, I was there for fourteen years, but I really don’t associate with those people any more. And even if I did, it’s like a turn around; a whole new group of people that are not the old garb. Everybody gets burnt-out and moves out of Venice eventually. God forbid those who stay, you really don’t want to get to know them very much (chuckles). So, as much as, I mean, that is not to say, in one way or another, I have heard every part of that rumor that you’ve just said. But, boy, that was third and fourth sources, so who knows.

Sandwich: Have you ever ...?

Duchaine: Bwahahahahhaahehheheh (lots of laughs) What kinda question is that on how to get big and strong and lean? (laughs)

Sandwich: Well I figured I’d get the dirty ones out of the way first.

Duchaine: (chuckles) Ahhh…as I said, I’ll never reveal my secrets!

Sandwich: I’m going to name off a list of the current bodybuilding magazines out on the market and I would like to get your uncensored opinion of each of them: Muscle Media.

Duchiane: Well, it does have a role, now. It’s kind of like "Muscle and Kindergarten" now. Its very scaled back from what it used to be. The kind of reader that’s reading it now are very - they aren’t stupid - but in terms of the subculture, they are very unsophisticated as far as what they expect for information. They are easy to please, I think.

Sandwich: Okay. MuscleMag International.

Duchaine: You know, it just dawned on me the other day that at $5.95 an issue, and the amount of time I flip through it, I really don’t have to buy it ever again. There is nothing really worthwhile that will help me out. The gossip is not really skanky enough to be interesting, although I must tell u, as much as the guy hates my guts - and the feeling is mutual - but the only thing that I really look forward to in the whole fucking magazine is "Muscle Beach." That idiot, Steve Neece’s column. I do like that. He really has a handle on the dregs of society! Hee-hee-hee-hee-heh (laughs).

Sandwich: What about Ironman?

Duchaine: Well, Ironman, I think now…you know, yeah, I’m gonna like it a lot, now that I am writing for it, but even before I started writing for it, the big turnaround [for them] was when they had Dharkam in there, which is Michael Gundill. They had Derek Cornelius, and maybe Bruce Kneller had an article in there. It really, for me, I really enjoy the magazine a whole bunch more than I used to. And I really think Ironman is what Muscle Media used to be, and all they are lacking is a real big sense of humor. If they did that, they would have a real winner. I even think, graphically, its better. I think Michael Neveaux can find and photograph the best of the fitness women of all the magazines.

Sandwich: Well hopefully when you go on board, things will start looking up for them. I think you have a lot to offer.

Duchaine: Yeah, I think they already had a good running start, so…

Sandwich: Okay, what about Muscle and Fitness? What do you think of that one?

Duchaine: Never read it. I really never read it. The only reason I would read a Muscle and Fitness is to see who, as far as nutrition companies out there, had the bucks to place ads in there. It gives you a very good idea about what a company is doing, financially, if they can sustain a big ad campaign month after month after month.

Sandwich: FLEX.

Duchaine: I think that’s the best of the muscle magazines, period. Artistically, graphically…their photographs are just great. And I must tell you, for some odd reason, some of the most interesting science stuff makes its way into FLEX. I don’t know how they did it! Once in a while they have a great, really important article. I don’t think most people realize how important some of those articles are in there. But, because they are in between all those photographs and training routines, but they are quite good. Jerry Brainium does some of his best work in FLEX. Some of his articles are quite, quite good.

Sandwich: I agree. FLEX has really been very good lately. What about the other new magazine, PUMP?

Duchaine: (sighs and pauses) I think they should go all the way. Its like Muscle Media, but with ten tons of tits. I think they should really skank it out even more. I think they should be the first nude bodybuilding magazine. That’s what they really wanna do, so just go for it and do it! The thing is, I am quite friendly to the editor, Jason Mathas. We worked together in the mid-80’s with Modern Bodybuilding. He got me back in the public eye after I left FLEX. He’s a hard worker, and you don’t realize how hard it is to get a magazine up and running. As much as everyone expected Testosterone to be THE magazine, here it is a year since they started and they haven’t gotten one issue in print, and PUMP has three issues. That’s an achievement in itself; that they had three issues out, ya know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could say one hand there is mine, but when u see what Ironman is doing, they learned everything they could from the guys at PUMP and it turned their magazine around. And if Testosterone, as much as people hate what they are doing right now: promoting more products and right in your face, that may be their salvation. I mean, people don’t do these terrible things of these infomercial articles and ads unless it works. And it works.

Sandwich: What about PEAK, by Steve Colescott?

Duchaine: Yeah. I always say that PEAK is like a non issue because it’s a vanity magazine. I think Steve likes to publish a magazine just to show everybody how wonderful he is, and how a magazine should be. But, in the real world, his magazine wouldn’t make it. Its just too esoteric. You can pull that crap with a newsletter, and I tried to do it, and it went out of business! So obviously that formula doesn’t even work in a newsletter. So, yeah, I like reading PEAK because its slanted toward the real "upper end" of readers, and there is not many people like that. I find some of the articles very interesting, but if it really interests me, I would predict that 80% of a potential reader would not read the article because its too in-depth.

Sandwich: Is it true that you are addicted to Nubain, the popular injectable narcotic used/abused by most of the top bodybuilders today?

Duchaine: No. (long pause). Expand on that. You are going over something that should be focused on, because Nubain is a problem unique to bodybuilding. It started in bodybuilding, and I’m not very happy that I was one of the instigators of spreading that around. It started being a steroid dealer in the mid 1980’s when one of my suppliers had it in stock, and he said we should try this. We all tried it and said, God its not addicting, its not scheduled, its like wonderful! We started recommending it to bodybuilders for this or that, and I must admit that one of my consultations was a very influential coach in England. He went back home and started to spread it all throughout England.

Now, after everybody started using Nubain, it really kinda registered with me that this is something that people should not be spread around. Because as much as many people will not have a problem using it, some people do have a problem. So, you’ll notice in all my writings that I avoid talking about it, because when u talk about something, its like making a validation. But, still, I must admit that I am part of the problem. And as of this year, I worked pretty hard in finding a solution, a protocol to get people off Nubain who have a dependant problem, painlessly with no withdrawal and no side effects. I have been able to somewhat solve the problem that I created.

Sandwich: Is that the GHB thing?

Duchaine: No. Actually, its another drug in the same family called Ultran. In this country, it’s an oral medication and what it does, if u are dependant on Nubain, you just completely stop using Nubain and replace it with four Ultrans a day, every six hours. It completely stops the cravings for it, but there is no euphoria. Its almost like the "Methadone of Nubain." Every week you subtract a tablet, so after the next week, its three tabs a day, then a week later, two tabs a day, and then another week or so, you are off. No problems. No fever, no sneezing, no coughing, no diarrhea, no anxiety. Nothing!

Sandwich: There are a whole bunch of brand new supplements that seem to come out every week. In your opinion, what do you think is a "must" supplement stack for your average 200 lbs., 40 hour work week type of bodybuilder?

Duchaine: And we gonna qualify if its dangerous or not?

Sandwich: Well, most people would stick with the safe stuff, but if you want to include the dangerous stuff, that’s okay, too.

Duchaine: Creatine, number one. A well-made injectable prohormone, probably 19nor5AD, injected. One of the thermogenic things, like Ripped Fuel or whatever Cytodyne makes now; Xenadrine. Adipokinetix, by Syntrax Innovations, is good, too. Those are about the only ones that will really make a difference. I’m not going to put protein on there, because you can eat protein out of the supermarket if you want.

Sandwich: Yeah. What about fats? Do you still advocate them?

Duchaine: Yeah. Try to get them to eat it, though. You know, the thing is, when people start to bitch at me that they cant gain weight, if they only eat 20 or 30 percent fat - any kind of fat - they would start gaining again, really. Its amazing how when you just eat carbs or very high protein, how your body just sets itself for oxidating protein as energy, and not for muscle growth. Yeah, but fat should be…I wouldn’t say macadamia nuts and olive oil as being a supplement, because you can get them at a supermarket.

Sandwich: I’m gonna name off a list of the top supplement brands and I would like to get your brief opinion on them. Maybe this can help consumers decide which brands they should stick with. First, MuscleTech.

Duchaine: I must admit, I haven’t examined every product they make, but almost every line always has some very good things, and a few clunkers in there. I think their meal replacement powder, if its at a reasonable price, its okay, because its got a lot of calories and protein in it. If I could go one by one, I’m sure I could pick one or two things that might be pretty good that they make. Are they good buys? Probably not. You could probably duplicate anything that Muscletech makes on an off-brand, for the same effect, for much less money.

Sandwich: What about EAS?

Duchaine: Personally, I’ve never liked EAS products.

Sandwich: Haahahahahahahaaagh <cough> !!!

Duchaine: I realize that they have a monster with Myoplex, but I personally do not like overly-sweet, overly-thick meal replacement powders. So that x’s out Myoplex and MET-Rx right there. Everything else is either lame or overpriced. That doesn’t mean that they are bad, its just that they’re pretty run of the mill, nothing exciting. And whats interesting about creatine and sugar? Not much. HMB? Looks so damned exciting when the wind up was there - same with CLA - and HMB just does not pan out.

Sandwich: What about Weider?

Duchaine: Well, you have two questions there. The actual brand name "Weider" supplements is a very small part of the market now; its only 6%. They really do own a whole bunch of other companies, like American Bodybuilding Products; all those liquid drinks? That’s Weider. They really dominate that market. Who else makes those things with the supplement already in the bottle? They make some good money off that. For a while, I really enjoyed Metaform’s meal replacement powder a lot. They’re reasonably priced; even GNC would sell them for $40 for 20 of them. They’re not overly-thick, overly-sweet; they are quite good. Then they had this run…I don’t know what happened, but all of the sudden they had too much lactose in the last batch and I could eat them any more, but up until then, they were a nice product, for a nice price.

Sandwich: What about Sportspharma?

Duchaine: I know a lot about Sportspharma. Mike Walls, who owns the company, in 1987, put $10,000 of his own money up to bail me out of jail when I was arrested by the Federal Government. So, I am kind of indebted to him for that. When I was in Federal prison - I was getting in shape to go out of prison, because I was a little over weight - we were able to buy Sportpharma whey protein out of the commercary. That was kinda nice. Right now, Sportpharma’s bar, the Promax bars, are really well done! Their lemon-shafon bar is really a well-made bar. They are quite good. Its probably the salvation of the company right now, because nothing else they have is really selling well at all. Unfortunately, for them, one of their major ads of one of their protein products was fraudulent, so they are being sued for Federal Court over the fraud. Its kind of draining their finances to fight that lawsuit.

Sandwich: Which top bodybuilders, pro or otherwise, is or was a faggot prostitute? You mentioned that Titus was one before he went to prison.

Duchaine: Hahahahah!!! Did I say that in print? I don’t think so. God, poor Craig. As much as I think he was a prick, and he probably still is, he really did not deserve that much time in Federal Prison for a drug violation; probation. I think he just barely got out this month, and that was way too long for the infraction. Granted, if he was just honest about his drug use, and didn’t wanna waltz the judge around, and the prosecuter, and the probation department through a trial and all these falsehoods, he would have been out long ago. But, ya know, I don’t need to say anything, because Craig is Craig’s worst enemy. (pauses) Its not going to be an easy life for him.

Sandwich: I hear he’s got a pretty hot temper…

Duchaine: Yeah, I know. But, look: He’s been down, and maybe when he’s back up there again, I might kick him again, but I’m not going to kick him now, when he’s down.

Sandwich: What pro bodybuilders have gotten really sick or damaged, physically, from drugs that you know of? I hear Kevin Levrone is one. Also, that one guy, Andreas Cahling, had a stroke and his the side of his face froze up.

Duchaine: Hmm…well, he had a stroke, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he had it from steroids. I’ve had a cerebral stroke myself, but I wasn’t using steroids at the time. Sometimes its genetic. In my case, I have hypertension and polycystic kidney disease. I don’t know why…I must say that bodybuilders generally really take terrible care of their health. They don’t really think about things like hypertension, cholesterol, and this and that. [They] never go to the doctor. They are used to so much pain from their workout, minor aches and pains that would scurry a normal person to a doctor, they ignore it and usually get into trouble.

Sandwich: I always thought these top bodybuilders are under the care of a doctor…

Duchaine: They should. They should, but, ya know, things like hypertension…I must tell you, when I get off my hypertension medication, like when I run out for a few days because I’m too lazy to go to the pharmacy, I feel so good in the gym! I’m so much stronger! I don’t get dizzy when I do leg exercises, ya know? I must tell ya, its very convenient to forget about things like hypertension.

Sandwich: The internet is now buzzing over the fact that you are going to be selling the popular French thyroid drug, Triacana, on the open supplement market. People are also saying you can go to jail over this. Tell us a little bit about Triacana and its legal status.

Duchaine: Sure. Brand name Triacana is by Lefale in France. Pretty much in the recognized non-third world countries, the only country that sells Triacana is Belgium and France. Because bodybuilders used it so much for contest preparation. It was a popular item with steroid dealers in the mid 80’s along with their steroid sales. And when they were smuggling steroids into the country, and whenever Customs would pop a package open and see all these European steroids, there would always be a Triacana in there. In 1988, FDA/Customs did an alert bulletin disallowing a number of things, like anabolic steroids - specific ones - trade name Nolvadex, brand-name Neurofor, which is simply a injectable co-enzyme B12, and Triacana.

Now as you can imagine, they really didn’t ban some of the generic, parent compounds, because, if that was so, we would never see co-enzyme B12 again, because Neurfor was on the list. So it dawned on me, when steroids were scheduled by the Government and turned over to the DEA, that triac, being a metabolite of thyroid, would be naturally-occuring and allowed in the Dietary Supplement Act. And we kind of guessed - because we never got an answer from the FDA - that we imported the raw powder, not the brand name, they would probably allow it in, which is true.

Syntrax Innovations found a source [Editor's Note: To contact Syntrax Innovations, call (888) 321-2348], did the paperwork with the Customs and FDA, and he got the raw ingredient in. I always thought they would have to ban the generic compound, plus the fact it would be a touchy kinda thing, cause its naturally occuring in the body, like DHEA is naturally occurring. So that is why Triac/Triacana is on the open market. Now it does get interesting, because just recently, someone pointed out that its on the Orphan Drug List, which it is; 1991. Usually, you don’t do dietary supplements on the Orphan Drug List because they are patented and have IND’s on them: Investigative New Drug. Interestingly enough, Triac is not patented; it cant be, because its naturally occurring, and it has no current IND on it. So, even though its technically on the Orphan Drug List, its open to debate whether the FDA will ever bother about it. My feeling is, if they do…see, usually, they would - GHB was on the Orphan Drug List. They always knew that, and they didn’t really move on GHB until they started getting health reports from doctors, police departments, and emergency rooms. That will never happen with triac, because triac, the beauty of this particular thyroid metabolite, is its impossible to overdose from. You can jack the dosage to ten times the recommended amount, and you will never have an over, hyper-thyroid symptom in the body. That’s the beauty of it.

Sandwich: What would be the average daily dose for Triac?

Duchaine: The half-life is six hours. Ideally, it would be one milligram every six hours, which makes it a pain in the ass. You can scrump and get one milligram every eight hours, and still generate a replacement metabolic rate on it.

Sandwich: Would it be necessary to stack ECA (ephedrine/caffeine/aspirin) with triac, or would that be too dangerous?

Duchaine: No, because Triac is not a overt metabolic elevator. Although there are a few studies, as Dharkam pointed out, that did show a raise of metabolism above normal. The thing with Triac is, it seems to only work restoring a depressed metabolism. Like if you are on a diet for three or four weeks, and suddenly, if you're taking your temp every morning, you notice that you're one degree cooler all the time because your T3 is not as high as before. So if your hoping to take triac and jack your metabolism up over 99 degrees, I don’t think its gonna happen. But it will restore your temperature to what it was before it lowered itself, so yes, you can use ECA with it.

Sandwich: A new supplement made by the popular and intelligent chemist, Pat Arnold, is really starting to catch on. It's called Cyclodiol, as you know. What do you think of this supplement, how it should be used, and its potential side effects? [Editor’s Note: To contact Pat Arnold/LPJ Research, Inc., call (217) 687-4038 or FAX (217) 687-4138.]

Duchaine: Well the way it should be used is not the way he is marketing it. I asked Pat to do a cyclodextrin prohormone a number of years ago. It was never, in my mind, a good idea to do a solid, sublingual pill. People hate sublingual pills. Everybody is so impatient. I am! I'm not going to take a pill and wait for it to dissolve ten minutes under my tongue. Plus the fact when you swallow, most goes it goes under your throat anyway. My idea was for him to make sublingual liquid drops, with pH adjusted. You could walk into the drug store, take a nasal sprayer/anti histamine off the shelf, dump the contents out, put the subliqual drops in the nasal sprayer, and use it intranasally. And that’s the ideal delivery system of cyclodextrin prohormones. I don’t think sublingual tablets is going to be remarkably that effective.

Sandwich: Which diol prohormone do you think is the most effective?

Duchaine: The most effective one is, unfortunately, the one that has highest amount of androgens: 4-AD (Androdiol). Technically, its not a prohormone. Prohormone is a nice way of saying precursor. To say "prohormone" is to signify that there is no anabolic or androgenic activity until its converted to another compound by enzymes in the body. We both know that 4-AD does not fit that definition of a prohormone. First off, its not a precursor; its a metabolite. Its something that’s made after testosterone is made [by enzyme conversion]; not before. Yes, it can be flipped back to testosterone, technically, but its a very, very illusive process in the body. Most if it is just a metabolite and stays that way. And, its as androgenic, if not more so, than testosterone. In its unconverted state, its 90% as anabolic. So, its not a prohormone - its an active hormone in its unconverted state. That’s why it makes itself work so well.

If you use it correctly, which means a large amount, frequently during the day, you will generate some side effects, including down-regulation of your own testosterone level.

Sandwich: If its an active hormone, how is it being sold legally?

Duchaine: Because no one gives a shit about it. I mean, people don’t buy too much 4-AD, and those who use it, its so high priced, they are not going to use two or three capsules every hour on the hour which, they probably could do and makes some gains on it. So no one has bitched about side effects. The FDA doesn’t have all the man-power in the world to go after dietary supplements that harm the public health. 4-AD is not showing any overt symptoms of toxicity or dangerousness. So its left alone.

Sandwich: Since you are going to be writing for IRONMAN, which is pretty much a drug free magazine, what do you believe is the most productive way of training for maximum muscle mass for a drug free bodybuilder?

Duchaine: Remember, I do a steroid column at QFAC Online. I separate the two. In IRONMAN, I do cutting edge nutrition and discuss supplements that have not reached the market yet. QFAC is exclusively on drugs, both legal and illegal.

Sandwich: Oh ok. Well, the question still stands: What’s the most productive way for a natural bodybuilder to train to gain as much muscle as he can, even though there is a limit?

Duchaine: Are you counting prohormones as still being natural?

Sandwich: Yes. Anything legally available.

Duchaine: Injectable...

Sandwich: (interrupts) Well, not injectables, as most people wouldn’t want to inject things.

Duchaine: Yeah, I know, but...I would say that most prohormones are ineffective orally. It would be hard to get a pimple, much less gain muscle, on prohormones. So, yeah, injectable prohormones will get activity. I think natural bodybuilders really have to start training for size, instead of strength. There is a difference between strength, which is neuroadaptation, and size. Your body will find the most efficient way of getting strong. The most efficient way is to neurolly make yourself stronger, because it doesn’t really involve any calories. You don’t have to add muscle, you don’t have to burn more energy. Just contact the mass that you have more violently. I've had a lot of thinking about this. People keep asking me, "who writes a great training book." And they all suck. They really are all wrong, I think. I think the secret is never doing more than one set of anything. I mean, if u do four sets of barbell curls all in a row, every set your adapting because of the same plane of movement. Why don’t u just randomly pick a different exercise everytime you have to do a set for biceps. I'm sure you can find eight or nine different movements or machines to get eight or nine sets and never repeat yourself. The same thing with everything else. On the bench press and the squat, the best bench pressers and squatters don’t necessarily have the best chest or legs.

Sandwich: In one of your Internet Newsgroup postings, you mentioned that you have a natural thyroid supplement coming out, as well as Triacana. Can you shed some light on this supplement?

Duchaine: Its not mine. I just dream these things up. Actually, I think Derek Cornelius [of Syntrax Innovations] thought it up about the same time I did. I mean, I always knew about T2. It was on my list of thyroids to go after is someone was gonna bust my balls over it. I've been trying to get triacana in this country for a year. SoCal tried to pursue it a year ago, and they gave up. I could not get it made anywhere in the country. I passed the idea on to Derek, and he found a source. A source that nobody else could find, so he got it in. And at the same time, that same source had T2 available, and it was on my list of things to do, because it was another thyroid that had activity had a certain level. And unlike triacana, it doesnt have all the bad press (chuckles). I mean, it doesn’t have an Alert List, its not on the Orphan Drug List, there's nothing. Triacana is easier to sell and easier to understand than T2. It doesn’t mean that T2 isn’t a better thyroid - it might be; we'll find out. My associate, Dr Bachinsky, has a computerized machine that analyzes your breathing. Your breath of oxygen, carbon dioxide ratio that tells you what’s burning what in the body. He's doing on these tests on things like Triac and T2 to see which is the more metabolically active.

Sandwich: Cool beans. What about all these GH releasers that have reemerged themselves on the market once again? Effective or bogus?

Duchaine: Yeah, I think the metabolite of arginine, agmatine, that one? That might have some potential because it mimics the effects of Catapres, that anti-hypertensive medication. There is alot of research showing that it causes growth hormone elevation, and it would raise your testosterone, too, at the same time. I'm very suprised no one has bothered to bring that to the market, actually, because all you'd have to do is call up a Japanese amino acid producer, and just order it, ya know? Even Arnold's Encyclopedia of Bodybuilding has it listed as a supplement coming out this year, so why doesn’t someone get off their lazy ass and do it?

Sandwich: Are there any other new supplements coming out? Anything else catch your attention?

Duchaine: I'm working with a group of people on a naturally occurring uncoupling agent, similar to DNP.

Sandwich: Whoa! That sounds fucking cool! Is it going to be safe?

Duchaine: Yes. Its more a matter of getting it more effective than we...its not as affective as we originally anticipated, but we are working on that. The original compound was a DL isomer, and we figured out that the "L" part was at least inactive, if not counter productive. Now we are running tests with the D isomer of it, and hopefully it will...it will not be as strong as DNP, even though he research indicates that its, like, 50 times more powerful, but it doesn’t appear to be so, so far.

Sandwich: Speaking of DNP, which still seems to be a very hot topic in bodybuilding, are you still planning to release a book on DNP?

Duchaine: Yes. That, and many other thermogenic agents. Its a book on how to lose fat without cutting calories. I mean, there's so many compounds out there that should be discussed. There is some kind of hierarchy that people need to know about. You can go broke buying fish oil capsules, CLA, pyruvate, ephedrine, norephedrine, and this and that, ya know?

Sandwich: Is there a release date for this book so the readers can be on the lookout for it?

Duchaine: It may be another year. Books just take a long time. Writing the book is the least of the worries. Its just getting the proofreading, the editing, getting it to the printer: It just takes time. Ask Lyle McDonald about his little ketogenic diet book, The Ketogenic Diet. He knows how long it took to write and how long it took to get it published. Two different things.

Sandwich: You also mentioned that you are seeing some anabolic actions with DNP…

Duchaine: Rebound, yeah. When you come off it. It does some kind of stress to the muscles, very similar to exercise, so when you come of, if you eat, you get a little bigger.

Sandwich: Okay. Kind of like a water retention thing?

Duchaine: No, no. Its muscle.

Sandwich: Oh. Is there a certain dosage or cycling plan that would-be DNP users should strive for?

Duchaine: I don’t think you need more than two to three milligrams per kilogram of bodyweight, so for the average guy, that would be 200 to 300 milligrams a day. We found that because of the calorie debit from working out and everything, seven days on and seven days off is the best way. Otherwise you just get wiped out too fast after seven days.

Sandwich: Michael Colgan referred to a supplement that supposedly is DNP-like and can burn up to a 1000 calories a day…

Duchaine: (interrupts) He lied…I don’t think he lied, I think he was just wrong. I mean, I don’t think he wants to purposely lie, but sometimes he’s just wrong. He’s the wrong person for bodybuilding. He can play with his little runners, and tri-athletes, and these old geezers that want to be over 100 years old, I would trust him for that. But as far as getting a bodybuilder bigger, stronger, and leaner, leave it to people like me who, you know, are reckless enough to try this new shit out to see if it’ll work. [He’s] too safe.

Sandwich: Chad Nichols…

Duchaine: (interrupts) Ahh, Chad Nichols…

Sandwich: He seems to be the number one contest prep guru for the top bodybuilders. And for those readers who do not know what a prep guru does, or, in this case, what Chad does, please tell us what this means. You were a very famous prep guru at one time, too.

Duchaine: A contest "coach" is being the babysitter of a 250 lbs. baby. Its that simple. You are almost holding their hand. Most of the advice is three words: "don’t do that." (chuckles) They will call you up and ask for your approval of the wackiest shit in the world! "I really think I need the cheesecake now!" "Don’t do that." That’s all he does! "And give me my three thousand dollars now." That’s all Chad does. He says, "don’t do that," "don’t eat," "eat now." Oh yeah, I’ve seen some of his contestants, and he’s done some pretty wacky stuff, and really stupid stuff, like fruit carb-ups. Fruit carb-ups so bad they are shitting out green from too many bananas!

The end. Whew! That was quite a workout, eh? 

About the author: The Sandwich graduated magna cum laude from Yale University with a double major in molecular biochemistry and infra-red astronomy. He currently works at McDonalds.